Worst. Mom. Ever.

I put an inordinate amount of pressure on myself to be a great mom. After all, the life of another human being depends on it, right? But sometimes I don't give myself enough credit or cut myself enough slack, and this morning I realized that if I could chill out and not feel so guilty, I would be a better mom!

I was on the phone with my friend Erin this morning when Brennan was complaining that his teeth hurt. (In reality I think he had cat fur in his mouth... Don't ask.) So, in an effort to soothe his screaming, I offered him ice cream. At the time I really couldn't tell if he was in pain, and I thought that something cold and soft might help. He said no and really freaked out, horrified that I wasn't fixing the real problem. Well, fifteen minutes later, with the "tooth" pain behind him, he announced that he wanted the aforementioned ice cream. So, at 11:00 AM as I talked on the phone, I looked at my son, still in his pajamas, sitting at the kitchen table eating goldfish and ice cream before ever having lunch. And I told Erin, "I am the worst. mother. ever." I did feel guilty, but I was only kidding. You see, as much as I hated what I saw, I had done it all on purpose. I made an intentional decision to stay home and have a lazy day with Brennan today. He's been extremely cranky and needs a quiet day. I tried changing him into his clothes at one point, but he put up a big fuss, and I decided that it was a battle not worth fighting. (What would I have gained besides a very angry child?) The goldfish were given during B's normal snack time, and he just hadn't gotten to them all yet. And the ice cream? Well, I had told him he could have it, and how was I supposed to explain to a two-year-old that he could have it when his teeth hurt but not fifteen minutes later?

I don't believe in giving in to my child just because he whines or begs. That sets a really bad precedent and makes life miserable for everyone. But I do believe in having good reasons for my decisions. If I can't find a valid reason to say no to something and it's not going to be a problem in the future, I can't fight with Brennan just to be in charge. To me, fighting over the clothes "just because" would have sent the message that he had to do something for no reason, just because Mommy said so. (He doesn't fight about things often... He's very compliant.) And fighting over the ice cream would have been mean after I had been the one to suggest it. That would have sent a worse message than giving it to him. (Besides, he's so off his schedule today that I don't even think he realized that it was a weird time of day to eat ice cream.)

So ultimately, I believe I am a better mother for knowing what battles to fight, even if the results may look bad to an outsider. I would never let something like this morning to happen regularly, but NEVER allowing it to happen would create a strict, lifeless, and frustrating world for my son. These are very difficult lessons for me, and I am sure I will have to learn them many times over.